Long time no post.

i feel like screaming because i havent done a tutorial for monday
and i recognize that time is running out
and i im wasting the morng and possibly the whole day away
agn oh dear dear...

i look in the wrong places.
that has the ring of truth
i search for solace and comfort
in the wrong things.
wat should i do?

what do i want?

is THAT what i reallie desire?
just THAT?
just Him?
Peace?
im unsure.
it feels like THAT is what i want.

i experience anger,
confusion.

i feel like screaming and i feel like crying
but i won't.

i do not feel indignant
and i do not feel a caving in
i do not feel invisible walls pushin in
or maybe ive learnt not to feel.

am i truly alone?

no it cannot be...
surely i must be blessed
that i know people
that people are around me
if i reach out, at least a few will answer.

do not put your faith in people.
they will disappoint, eventually.

yet commune with people
because we are people.

live life.
don't smoke
submit
your body is not yours/
work hard
you can do it
and you feel glad after its done
rest when u need to
but do not slacken
or complain when u return to your task.

love cry hope
express yourself.
fear is in greater amount
fear is an excuse
cast out fear.
love casts out fear.

i hold grudges.
i shall not hold grduges anymore.

let me forgive.
let me "remember them no more"

thank you.

To all the people that are a part of my life
thank you.
in small ways n bigger ones
you are what makes life meaningful

it is most ironic tt the things i tend to criticise others for vehemently
are those tt i strongly hold against myself; considering tt i strongly advocate
practising what you preach.

Of course, that is only logical.

Even now, i try to express myself but fail
hampered by my unmastery and clumsiness of written language;
the hypocrisy of its structure and methodology.

i am throwing myself against a transparent, acrylic wall. The plastic
warps with the force of my attacks, but bounces back, infinitely resilient.

I am trying to say...
That i am feeling;
that I AM inferior. Almost certainly almost all people feel that way deep inside
but I think im worse, because i try too hard to escape that - which i think, works
to emphasise the condition.

Something has happened these few years, or since i came into NUS,
too late am I now trying to prove something, make something of myself.
Yet I feel already it is too late.
Too late for those early foundations that build achievers thrust into limelight,
too late for academic illustry,
too late for glory and honour.

Reserved for me is mediocrity that i did not mind, or desired as a child, comfortable
in the idea of the transience of the world- I condemned myself then.
Now I hunger for more,
I hunger for success, for fame, for power
those very things that I scoffed at once in greater youth than now,
the very things that i think i know, will only give me contenment
and pleasure no longer than an orgasm.
Things that will probably claim my soul as bid price.

I hear a voice, a sheet of clearness in the dark.
It says u do not have to sell your soul.
You can reject mediocrity without subscribing to the illusiory.
But humility is the condition.
how do i be humble?

i am a greater fool than most.
I must See again.
I must hear again.
i need to live again.
but i am afraid.
i desist. i stop. this is ridiculous says i. another of me decides to shut that voice.

post this first i will....

u get stiffer(less-flexible) with age
in the bones as well
as in ur beliefs n lifestyle...

i am a coward
and i tend to be lazy
once these self-remonstrations would inspire
guilt, and occasionally motivate towards self-betterment.

now i tend to merely accept.
this is not good.
rather ancient roman this...

I am a Scorpio.
(Also known as "Scorpion")
My Horroscope starts like this:
" Scorpios are highly dangerous, even at a distance. They cheat and lie, live for intrigue, and take pleasure in destroying. " (Read more | Find yours)

hmmm intrigue yeah
i guess placing this here is somewhat
masochistic
n cheap porn yeah too
*laff....

wat should i do.......
i noe wat i should do
why do i not want to do it?

is it because i do not want to expend myself?
no no
must be because i do not wish to deny myself
deny yourself and pick up the cross

just now in the shower
was seized by the realization agn
tt i am in a bad way now...

everything i do reeks
of a sense of worthlessness and pointlessness

floating over the world
as opposed to standing on solid ground.

this has alot to do wif how i am wif God n religion n all tt.
Cos for a fair amt of time, there is where i found my self-worth.
for now, i cannot access tt worth...

the pretence -
or rather, self-deception of daily life.

yes i think the most part i deceive myself tt everythin is alright.

but i am not fine.

on a lighter note,
i am reading Dances with Wolves by Michael Blake ...
watchd the movie some time back loved it...

pretty gd stuff but sad....

ciao for now guys...

testing

once more i am seized by that sense of
having led a wasted life. Having achieved nothing
going nowhere.

appearances are maintained in good condition,
but the core things are not.

i speak not of higher things or spiritual matters
or morality or character, but the practical aspects
and planned actions in reality.

why am i here in NUS arts? things not looking gd man....
(maybe should have done JS major instead- may not make a diff either way
unless do civil service...)

kyo- the guy who i met in one JS mod- also the same guy who did won a recent
int'l model competition had a wife and kid aredy,
and can maintain study at same time...

many frens work part-time while studying

jus met a fren in church - 26 air force regular who has a 1plus yr old daughter.

U noe- family IS important in life- Children are the only way u leave a real legacy
be it good or bad. Not many people are like the Lee Kong Chians - and at best, u have
a statue/school/hospital named after u...
i mean, who gives a shit abt Benjamin Sheares now- we trample over his name
every week at least once(for those stayin in the eastern part of spore_)

But seriously guys...
im gettin worried.
incapacitated by fear- im reallie afraid to work u noe(cant say why. maybe jus cos its new)

im 23 this year- nothin to put on the CV
no major accomplisments ECA wise, community work wise,
zilch.-

Dont get me wrong- im not plagued by the emotions of self hate
or worthlessness per se...

just a step back and looking at harsh reality.

im screwed. (k i know not necessarily, but allow some poetic license here)

but if we would put faith into the media preach, which is exactly its concern at present,
we are now the scum of the labour market.
the least-marketable people ard.

i vaguely remember reading employment in all sectors are down
except that of I.T. (maybe i have a hope after all eh?)

but im not just griping abt credentials.
plspls not tt.

more like direction. Where are u going?
and more importantly, what are u doin to get there?

i always asked myself, but never reallie answered satisfactorily.

im runnin out of time...

u noe, im sure uve heard us talk abt the age diff btw guys n girls
- k 3 yrs isnt alot reallie
but it makes a big diff at this age,
and esp pyschologically, - at the start of the race.
thinking- im 23 (will be 24 in yr 3 or 25 by end of hons)
and nothin to account for ....
not to say tt "its all been a big waste of time"
but more
ive spent so much time to get here.
its been inefficient.

whereas u girls, would only b 19/20 yr 1
20/21 yr 2 21/22. u got a lot more time to
experiment, try out, - heck u could take another degree please u.
n stil in prime age.

enuff griping for now..

Dear diary...

wat have i been doin i know not...
Been spending, i consider,
way too many late nights out
with tt girl fr my jap class, along wif another guy fren,
and recently another

for those reading
READ: not date ok...

been wasting alot of stress getting jealous over silly things.

But its cos im confused-
duno wat i mean to her
not tt i know wat i want
but i did sorta tell her i liked her n jus wanna spend time,
for now.

thing is, t'wasnt me who made initial contact (no not alien life form_)
nor was it me who made first advances.

i jus responded in my opinion.

feel like im being taken for a ride
but she doesnt seem the type.

but she is physically more intimate wif guys than othersz ive seen
u noe, ring ard the arm, leaning on shoulder tt kinda thing
but it gets me going man

but its not justified cos we jus frens mah
nevertheless

n most of the time late nite outings is she organise one
n i gather mos of the time, we (the guys)
not say verry keen to go out
but not adverse to it lah

tho i eventually declined- (jus came back fr movie_)
the tickets were aredy booked (or so she says lah)

sigh
jus wanted to let it out

u noe, i think i forgot this time ard
to protect myself abit.

been too vulnerable

i shouldnt have let my guard down

course course, tts not (socially)healthy
but it helps me survive.

.....
now wat?.....

well... rag work is gng to start
dun need to go out n get stressed agn

haha v good

(plus ive been spending waayyyyyyy too much)

altho- ive been freeloading abt 90% of the time....
(haha - ppl dowan take money - heck
if they can afford it)
im tho onli one who doesnt have a job

but jus now she was jus making a passing remark
(in response to another frens remark
abt how she has to go to work in abt 2hrs time
yes she on morning shift
n not the first time)

abt how she always stay up late when she wif us
i immediately responded rather harshly
partly cos of mood partly cos she always organize
partly cos i was abit kena saboed to go this time
partly felt spendin too much time out late
which i dun like too much of
partly she want to not sleep tts her responsibility
(her tai chi)

but then agn not fair cos i think partially for today
is so i can collect my IC back fr the fren i lent to
to enter bar last nite

n also not tt ive ever violently objected, in fact always seem
rather keen

but end of it all
i v stress aredy dowan any more

think she jus like to have fun type lar
is me think too much aredy
fuck lar
like girl lai dat

ok gd nite all

P.S.

this is the kind of thing tt makes me cling to u
Lord,
but i dont want it to be like this
to have some trouble in the world
and go running back to daddy
"she bully me, dun fren her aredy"
(hurt whining )
tt kind of attitude
super no face man...

but maybe we onli go to God on our knees
n hes alright wif it onli
our own egos cant take it
cant see the truth.

Bless all..

theres something wrong abt the way im living now

activity packed

yet fufilment is fleeting

its abit like a pontoon bridge methinks

goto rush over or ul sink...

u can run accross,

but theres never more than temporary support..

(ed: thing is, everything is really peachy on the epidermis/crust
heck even to the dermis/mantle
but maybe at the subcataneous/ outer core, things
are rather messy...
like a blood vessel tt gives life n works pretty ok
but threatens to break.
i guess the bible still puts it the best way:
an unanchored boat...
_______


perhaps....
im sinking regardless of tt half-measure of a bridge...

i know tt im wasting my time...

wasting away... minutes and hours tt will never come back
life is a take-away
or a macdonalds meal-
not for keeps...

i need ......
i know what i need but i dont.....
no i know what would make me feel better
which is probably what i need
but i dont want to experience tt wanting...

choice- peace with hunger
or restlessness with satisfaction.

***

Most people dont understand i think.....
i dont say tt the way an angst filled teenager might,
but more a statement of statistical fact.

(u noe the stakes)
ultimately its all abt giving up
abt dying to self
abt falling wheat
abt emptying tt tea cup

but right now i dun wanna....
n the game goes on...

ima, boku no kotoba wa genjitsu desu.

I feel the cry again.
The quiet cry
inside,
like a grotesque mastiff
clawing at the oak door..
no, not oak - it cannot be
for the hinges shake at the beast's
attacks - wood splinters and dust
loosens at each
boom. boom boom
surely it mus give way - oak is stronger.
***
masques are weaker tho more pervasive.

i woke up.
think i felt too hot.

slightly too lucid to return to sleep.

i paste here wat i wrote just now abt 11ishpm



gotta put this down b4 lose it
lostquite abit aredy.

Have u ever felt tt everythin was fine on the outside
but inside,
there is a quite chaos
tt might just rip apart
at a moment?

i feel a lurking

i was thinking might be gd to be a teen agn
to feel emotions in all their glory
the brunt of it
the raw strength of it

wat have i done?

often, on the train home alone
or sometimes wif frens
i feel an urge to cry, to wail
to burst out
to scream

i feel not a sadness but
a quiet desperation
a panic
a disappointment
a dissatisfaction...


***

somebody give me a gun so i can shoot myself.
the thought itself is ridiculous,
yet the emotion or raw material for tt inclination
is there...

no no im not suicidal NO... pls..

More like...
tired? no dun think so...
hate myself? mmm... nah.. too teenager

ponder somemore......

havent been sleeping well recently- evidently.
partially course to do with cigarettes- inhibit deep sleep.

but course mental state of health.

Or the wholistic approach-

couldnt find it but vaguely remember a bible passage
which alludes to having gd slp as an indicator
of gd/ relationship wif em/ conscience etc. cant rem exactly
but the point is tt blessed are those who sleep well
becos their life is more or less in order
and those who dont;
there ssssooooomething wrong somewhere...

***


Ive lost ... No
Ive exchanged who. what i was for who i am now
not simply innocence
but obedience. I lost, no defaulted
on wat i told i would give my God. Because he first gave his Son,
i agreed n returned him my life. (this is a gross simplification but u get
the idea)

funny thing is, the older i got, the more greedy/materialistic/realistic/prideful/eager to
leave my own personal mark in the world
the life tt i gave suddenli became a lot heavier.

Is this rationalization?
it was clear tt i did not come to such an answer
after ascending some mountain and meditating (ohmmmmm)

i starting drifting fr God since yr 1. I guess, the ultimate catalyst- i wouldnt say cause
was my struggle wif ahfen...

haiz.... what am i now?

when i look at some of my older icq conversations,
i get abit of a chill... the religous fervour oozes out of my pores..


yet i do recognize, tt despite tt distasteful disposition,
i was much more use and benefit to the world, to myself than i am now.

and i had peace.

i am walking thru the desert. I hope i come to the springs soon.


***


I stand as an observer over two frens BGR ...
without justifying my perspective, i felt
a tt one was being over-reliant on the other.

and i thot of myself.

I think i pride myself on maintaining a secure distance from
anyone person.

its not tt I neeed to Be bymyself (or maybe i do)
but tt i feel tt everyone should be an independent, relatively
self-sufficient unit as a base.

yet who am i to criticise? i worry abt when i Do get into a relationship.

i think girls rarely speak directly abt THE relationship wif their partners.
So, the guy has to 1) speak directly and hence, clumsily
2) sort out, translate and define the nuances and hints and hidden messages of
verbal and non-verbal comms sent.

Both methods are inherently problematic.

I think i know more or less how to be a gd friend.
im losing it tho... losing tt selflessness... or maybe lost it

but with a girlfriend?
no reference leh...

furthermore, society is complicated.
diverse.

this also demands a definition of what a bf gf relationship is
do u automatically promote the relationship after a certain number
of dates like starbucks gives free coffee?

k bad analogy.

thing is, i think some girls would like the benefits of a bf-type person
without commitment (and what is commitment?)
well others do- exclusive, no gng out solo wif other ppl etc.

point is, there are so many variables and nuances a relationship can take
where does a bf-gf relationship begin and end?

remember - a relationship is formed the immediate moment u meet someone.
when a bf-gf "breaks up"
the official, formalized, accorded boundaries of the relationship change
as per human made decision. very much like the political boundaries tt we accord
the nations of the earth. But often, just like e.g the hills people in Myanmar do not consider themselves Burman,
and the hills and mountains and seas do not split up and draw lines when we humans decide tt it is so,

relationships continue and change because of the rules we accord them, but sometimes inspite of them.

anyway- i figure as long both parties are headed in the same direction, it should be fine

e.g both jus want fling
e.g both have a marriage mind, 2 kids n HDB idea

but the thing is, as a guy i onli figure those 2 methods of figuring out a girl mentioned above.
so... im sorta screwed?

***


im still not sleepy.

been awhile since posted anythg.....

hmm...

im a little worried...
recently got to know a girl,
n we've gotten relatively intimate
physical close, pretty soon...
met up a couple of times but rather often...

im comfortable wif her..
but im worried...

think this is the first time tt i mm havent thought so much
abt a relationship before erherm... playing ard...

thing is.. icqng wif crab tt day
n there pro n con -
one thing is cos there is minimal frenship,
im not so afraid of spoiling a frenship...
one other thing is tt i feel perhaps
im stil in the "polite" stage
meaning cant see the bad side of me u noe?

but shes been fun...
herm herm...
how ah?

girls duo duo shao shao
cant divorce feeling from physical closeness rite?
meaning she mus have some positive inclination towards me
tt pretty much is clear

i think she also is jus not reallie thinking abt anything
n jus gng wif ...
n no im not going ask anythin outright.
why?
cos if u erm record everything weve said
and put it on a transcript
nothing at all would seem untoward.

gettit?
v subtle.


ugh im grossing myself out
souns like a girl...

take care ppl......

yesterday droppd by tampines met peiling(veda/yr1/marketing one) 2 pass her some comix.
when got home, she was commenting tt i seemed... angry.

i recognized tt i was "made" angry, - meaning erm... think abt it like acute anger- meaning
and event makes u angry, doesnt last long - u dig? as opposed to chronic, mood-type anger-
last long long, walk ard waiting to bite someones head off...

Point- she was rather insistent tt mine was the latter, not the former...
But i dont think ive been feeling tt way.
Tho she commented tt ive seem to lost
the "good humour" tt she saw before.
(heh esp if u think abt humour in the medieval european sense ah- [u noe,
4 substances in the body- melancholy, bile, humour and.....? sanguine? blood? cant remember])

Anyway point is-
ive always regarded honesty as being important
and even recognizing that we all wear masques
in order to get on with like w/o gng insane
ive felt it important to be true to other ppl,
and esp to oneself. Ive been most critical of
ppl on this point.

Perhaps i myself am guilty of hiding the truth from
myself.
I know i have lost some "gd humour"
but thot it simply a result of the bangs n knocks
of experience.

i know im an intense worrier.....
tho i think i pride myself on hiding
tt very well... (or maybe not? ual can expose my misplaced pride?)

i wish i had the fearlessness of childhood.

and no worries pls,
at least i think so....

I caN be a paranoid sonofa#$% too u know!
not just girls have dibs on worrying too much.

on the train back was reading one of me christian living bks
tt havent read in a while...


!!!warning- DO NOT READ FURTHER if not
ready for talk abt pornography/ christian relation to it/ guys relation to it
/ Too much information about me?






n i was thinking also of other day tokking abt
porn wif Vaarni n Pris....

realised, remembered- rediscovered
tt .....
i cant speak for all or even most, tho i strongly suspect
tt their situation was prob similar to mine.

Though i was tokking abt it(porn n my usage of it) rather
nonchalantly (herm theres a better word cant remember)

I Re- membered tt my initial experiences wif porn material
(my cousins computer i think)
was as such:

an automatic excitement and attraction,
and a desire to see more
but at the same time, automatically Knowing
tt this was not something u would want ur mum,
or any one else for the matter knowing u looked at...

Point is....
for me, i Realised on the train i couldnt talk about
porn/ or my use of it to other people
while admitting at the same time that it is
something extremely undesirable, unhealthy, yet attractive
(and i dun mean the intellectual realization)
and that for me, it was an activity
that could only be talked abt after years and
years of prolonged exposure and experience-
until it became something of a badge of honour
(or manhood?)

while i m pretty sure Most guys do peruse pornography
perhaps it is a misnomer to merely brush it off
as "just something guys do...."

Y this semi-confession of sorts?
mmm i think it is because i feel some sort of mental clarity right now
and writing just feels good...
and i do wish to enlighten wat i suspect most guys experience.
But do not presume
tt others see this the way i do.

i remember reading my other, paper diary of sorts a while back
and most of the emotional ups and downs had a lot to do
with my problems/ struggles with my christian faith and experience in life

I had one such period of mental conflict in yr 1,
and it has left me... nowhere....
i think. i think i am neither here nor there
but i remember having the thought "i give up, i leave it behind for now"

perhaps wat i write now u cannot understand, but gd if u do.

to explain-
Some people regard "being christian" as simply
going to church. Fufilling rituals . and the like

I was taught many things
and i think i latched on too strongly to the Other extreme-
that "being christian" was PROVEN by ur lifestyle
and not a NAME or LABEL.

what a fool i am

i thought if i said "i give up now, i cant be a christian any more now,
ill be back later, maybe."
that in doing so, i was being honest wif myself.
i think i was right
but i forget tt people do not know wat i think.
tt u cant switch and off "being christian"
or being whatever.

i am ashamed and regretful
yet i do not feel remorse i do not feel "bad"
enough.

i do not know what difference will this moment of epiphany(sudden enlightenment)
will change.
I remember fr a book i think prozac nation tt i thought just like the heroine
tt life would be a series of receiving insights
and one day one special insight would come
and life would be all peachy after.

but niet.
reality is not as such.

feelings wax and wane.

we move on.

gd night ladies...

morngzzz ladies n gents,
my papers R oveR... anticlimatic perhaps but
there u have it.
Found somethin old i had lieing ard in a txt file
here it is:

day by day the life i lead is a
search, a search for things to distract from ...
something.

running away from troubleS?
what troubles?

From having to do what i know to be the fruitful but tiresome way of living?

too much food is a distraction.....
enjoy it, appreciate it, but not make it a constant goal to strive for with which to occupy time-

everything is a distraction?



NOt good for me to have too much free
time i think



2 things due tml

1)study test
2)research dyslexia website


Know what God is like (Ex. 34:4-7; Jn. 4:24).
Know what God loves (Ps. 37:28; 146:8; Jn. 14:23; 15:9; 2 Cor. 9:7).
Know what God hates (Ps. 5:5; Prov. 6:16-19; Isa. 61:8).
Know who Christ is (Isa. 9:6; Jn. 1:1-14; 8:58; Rom. 1:3-4; Heb. 1:1-14; Rev. 1:5,17-18).
Know what Christ did for you (Isa. 53:1-12; Mt. 20:28; Jn. 10:11; Rom. 4:25; 1 Cor. 15:3-4; 1 Pet. 1:17-21; 1 Jn. 2:2; Rev. 1:5-6).
Know who you are in Christ (Eph. 1:3-14).
Know your spiritual resources (2 Pet. 1:3-4).
Know the importance of prayer (Phil. 4:6-7; Jas. 4:2-3; 5:16-18).
Know the importance of fellowship in a church (Heb. 10:24-25).
Know the importance of telling others about Christ (Mt. 28:19; Acts 1:8).


dun ask me where i got the verse refs.. no idea
cant rem when i wrote tt also

always weird re-reading on stuff....
doesnt feel like its U/me ?

hey thi mostlyy carthartic i think......
luv u aalll byezzzz

i reallie should get to bed...

u noe i think wat i reallie want to say
is that

im false.
i m pretty sure of it.
theres somethin wrong
like the matrix u noe?

this aint me
this aint my life.

i duno how u see me
am i confident?
happy-go-lucky?
bo-chup abt studies?

i remember tt silly zodiac love match thing
said scorpios were confident on the outside
but hide a bunch of worries n fears on the inside
i agree.

the irony is
i think ive gotten better at this game of life.
but at the same time,
im losing worse.

its not tt i dun agree tt things were better when
i was closer to God...

i know theologically i can go back.
i think i do.

but i dun think i CAN can right now...
i dun think i can bypass my judgements on the church ...
i dun think i can spare myself.

or maybe its jus the same thing agn
i jus cant take the sacrifice.

i am jus stuborn
i am jus choosing to look away
to deny
the cross?
but tts not fair.

its not fair...
tt the cross is stil the one and only
reason for this all...
I mean, come on,
if u believe
the Lord ALmighty of all creation
chooses to die a bloody, painful death
simply to allow u to hang ard wif him for eternity,
it sorta excuses everything
that seems shitty to u/

but tt feels like emotional blackmail sometimes...

or i choose not to think abt it


But the point here is tt,
it was better before,

but i guess pride stops me.

cant stand it.

people felt fake.
But tts just an excuse i think.

I left cos it was ALL or nothing

i couldnt tahan the ALL bit i guess...

as we get older,
the stakes get higher,
we realise theres more to enjoy
more to give up.
i guess the scales got too much for me.


****

but i digress, reallie.

Point is- sometimes i feel
like jus crying.
for wat?
im not sure.

theres something fundamentally wrong .

i forget agn...

im not depressed no
reallie im not...

abt time i put something down...

i've been wanting to for the past couple days
but been having, and still have trouble articulating it...

***

im sippin martell...
tryin to say it but i duno how...
forgot wat i wanted to say .......

i think its something along the lines of
how theres something wrong
wif me

im not who i should be, tts a given


its more than tt

its abt......................

everything i do,
everythin i say,
the jokes i make
they're wrong.
theyr're not me.
at least not completely.

no no no tts wrong
tts not what im tryin to say
i understand v few ppl display all of themselves
all of the time.

i desire.....
tts one thing i know to be true now.
to want.
it must be a natural consequence to giving up.
giving up what?

No it is not a side effect, desire is always present.
But if u give in to one u open a little bit of a floodgate...

yep.

but tts not important.


This post is all wrong.
this is all false it must be.
Poseurish.

curses.

ah go urselves.

here i am,

by myself in the clubrm...
its quite nice reallie,
but rather different form the usual
hustle n bustle...

oh... amazing grace is playin on my winamp..

hmm wanted to be pensive..
but the music spoilt it...
chaoz..

gng to sleep now...
feeling melancholy and tt i jus had to put it on.

so there...

i dont remember ever being faithful
to something long enough to make it worthwhile...

was remembering just now ...
everythings a blur now...
not now as in today, or this week, or this month
but this season.... an undefined period of time...
maybe for the past year or so...

or more of a ... more like looking at everything through
frosted glass....






Theres a part of me than i have conveniently denied i think,
perhaps too vehemently...

its quite ironic reallie,
that i think...
i have learned hypocrisy well...
twas wat i detested most once upon a time.

aiys.. i realise this is not too readable shall spare u the pain

ja ne ( c u later)

oh well, il try to put somethin on despit my frustration.
No offence to blogspot, thx for the free svc...

***

well.. here we are now,....
end of the 2nd semester of university life... sophomore yr if u will...
cant say it hasnt been long, yet its been real fast...
i could very well be moving into my final year of school life for good...
scary thought.

anyway...

i kept this thought in my mind for past day or so..
cant remember the details but i realise wat i have predominantly
been feeling for the season

fear

i cant remember wat i wanted to elaborate on
but tts the key.

its ironic that i think that now, more than ever in my life
i have it "together"
i know more, but see less...
i live more, but feel less
i do more but am less.

its defn got a lot to do with how am i with the Man up there
the sender of the Son.

its funny really.

i am motivated by fear.
cant remember how.

lemme think.

anyway...
i sense that i am not the person i was when i entered NUS
perhaps abit of a truism,
but the emphasis is deserved.

this is not me
but it is at the same time.

yes... it is the fear of
not being with people.

of having nothin to do.

ironic considering i am sorta rather comfortable with solitude
or so i think>?

the mind moves quickly at times

the fear-
being at fong seng by myself,
i order a teh - o...
they dun have mutton steak, which i really felt like at the time
the time btw is ard 2am i recall...

i think-" dun let ppl think im a loser who doesnt have any1 to lim teh wif"
" what r they thinking this chap onli order a drink no food"
i keep looking ard occuping myself, justifying my existence-
i look at the lights....
i light a cigarette... a momentary saviour-
i am drinking tea and having a smoke break...
bbut the tea lasts longer than the cigarette and my brain is stil driving on
top speed...


social paranoia?

oh well...

but niet- i realise tt no-one reallie cares i know tt intellectually
i remind myself no-one reallie cares

but y do i i try to be nonchalant abt it?

relax guys i'm not breaking down...
this is me- a little abit of my world,
raw and uncut- tho a little more spiced up by the writer in me..

luv u all lots
(more on love next time perhaps yes?)

Angry try to see my own blog cannot see
funny thing is tt tang can see
ughs..
nvm shall use this as test 1...2...3...4...

ok, there u have it...
me brain online.
stay tuned for more....